This is just something I had to get off my chest. This is an addendum to the craptastic message I did earlier with nothing to say. I don’t usually get personal, and this might read as whiny or sad. That isn’t my goal I just wanted to get past this so I can go back to my usual.
When I first started this site, I wanted something that was just mine. Something that could fill a hole that seemed to be missing something. I would spend hours a day playing Sims-3 making my own worlds controlling them from the cradle to the grave (and beyond). In the end, I actually was doing nothing, then today I saw something that reminded me of something or someone I lost. On my ride from Mogadore to Medina, I saw what looked like a French Bulldog on the side of the highway dead. The dog, itself, wasn’t in bad shape (I could tell what kind of dog it was at 60 mph.), but it was clear that it was dead. Getting all judgmental I guessed it had escaped from a car with its windows just a little too low or the back of a pickup truck (because some people suck). One minute he/she is a well-loved friend the next dead on the side of the road.
Around 2001 we bought a new sofa, and the old one was out on the porch waiting trash day. Back then if you put anything out on the curb with metal someone would come around at night and tear the metal out leaving the rest for you to clean up (this happened with a table). One day I came home and found this long-haired black cat on the couch on the deck. It was near or below zero outside, and the cat was nearly dead. As I picked her up, I could feel her ribs. We brought her in and gave her some milk. Later I went and bought a cat food brand known for putting on weight. We tried to find her owner (and just maybe kick their ass). She had long black fur with specks of white like ground pepper, so we named her Pepper. As she got healthier, the white went away. About a month later I took her to the vet and found out that this tiny kitty was most likely nearly two years old. Through good times and bad times, Pepper never left my side. She would greet me at the door when I got off work, and she slept on my hand on the bed at night. When life was tough, she was a tiny purring voice saying grow up. About two years ago she slipped while trying to jump onto the bed hitting the floor breaking her weakened back. The break also caused some sort of neurological damage. I found her on the floor giving off a sound that was heartbreaking. When she was alive, she had the weakest meow, but her purr was epic. I picked her up and held her all that night until we could do something. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and worst of all I couldn’t be there. I had to work.
Life has never felt the same after she died. Putting this into words is hard. I have never been an overly emotional kind of guy. She left a hole that just sits there waiting for the end of the day when I can close my eyes and dream about better days. I live in fear of being judged, so I just don’t do anything. Even now I don’t post my own picture on any site because I don’t want the judgment. This right here is the first thing I ever posted that was in any way personal to me. Fear makes me push people away, and I let that fear run my life. When people ask if I want another cat, I say no, and I DO NOT want another cat. Seeing that dog reminded me of her and my loss. Yes, I know she was just a cat, but she was more than that to me. I wanted to judge the owner of that dog but, how can I? Who am I to judge them without knowing how it happened? That could have been their hundred trip like that, but for some unknown reason, it ended the way it did. Life turns on a dime, and it always leads to change. I guess I just miss my friend.
Thank you and sorry.
My Boring Story
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